The Printer From Heck

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SavinCopierThis email came from a large software company that I once worked at. At the beginning of 2000, we were losing about one person per day; i.e., in three months, 90 employees left. That’s quit, not layoff. Most joined dot-com startups. Suffice to say, getting a good-bye email almost every day did not do much for employee morale.

From: Operations
Sent: Friday, March 10, 2000 6:34 PM
To: Employees
Subject: Copiers/Printers

Dear Colleagues,

Recently we have been having problems with the Savin Color Copier/Printer (DCBK) located in the copy room of Bldg. B. The problems are a direct result of employee misuse & abuse; specifically, jamming the paper trays into the machine, slamming the door & repeated kicking of the machine. We are in danger of losing our service contract with Savin due to the excessive service calls brought on by this physical violence. Please do not, jam the paper trays into the machine, do not slam the door to the copier/printer, & above all do not KICK the copier/printer.

Thank you for your cooperation!


Unfortunately for everyone, the dot-com bubble blew up soon after. If you haven’t seen the movie “Office Space”, you should.

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Costco: The Bulk Store From Heck

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So my roommate and I were browsing the frozen food section at the local Costco. We were looking at burrito bags of various sizes and I told my roommie, “Hey, I want quantity, not quality!”

costco4realmenSome woman passing by told us, “That’s just what a man would say!”

After a moment of stunned silence, I remarked, “It’s good to get confirmation that I’m a man… I think.”

We left Costco with sixty toilet paper rolls in two packs of thirty. Real men don’t share either.

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The High School From Heck

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School ChairsI love it when politicians say that education is very important. The keyword is “say” because from their actions, you would never guess it.

When Tom Bradley, the mayor of LA at the time, came visiting, we had a huge ceremony with bands playing, parades, etc. The football team was marched on stage and each of the players got to shake hands with the mayor. “Hello, football players, meet the mayor. Shake his hand. Oh, before you leave the stage, here’s your tall, gold-plated school appreciation trophy. Thank you.”

Of course, at the end of the academic year, the nerds had their day during the award ceremonies. “Hello, nerds, here’s your flimsy paper certificates. You can see that we just got a new laser toner cartridge. Uh, good work. Well done. Did I mention that education is very important? And, oh yeah, the recycle bin is on the left as you leave the stage.”

Actually I felt worse about the women’s tennis team. They had to pay for their own uniforms and for the bus fare to the tennis competitions. I guess the school ran out of money after putting up the new electronic score board on the football field.

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The Principal From Heck

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principalcathyIn High School, I rarely saw the principal, Mr. Ed Moras. So it came as a surprise when one day, he appeared at a Math & Science Club meeting to say, “This is my favorite club.”

Unfortunately, a few days later, Mr. Moras showed up at the Youth Community Service Club to say, “This is my favorite club.” Weeks later, he appeared at the E Club meeting to say, you guess it, “This is my favorite club.” And the same at the Youth Government Club and Mock Trial Club. Ugh.

Okay! So I belonged to a lot of clubs. Let’s just say that I rarely ate lunch and thus was a skinny-looking kid in school. Then I went to college, graduated, and started working… but that’s another story.

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